Dear Diary 1/29

No money, no problem. Seems counterproductive, right? Money is supposed to be the what empowers us to go after our dreams. I would not have started ACE if it were not for my father passing away. I received just enough to start my business…until I ran out of that money and decided to go into debt. I would not have been able to go into production without my Kickstarter campaign. Why? Because I got funded. I got the money!

And now I am here. With no money. In fact, I have negative money. (Thnx debt). I’m trying to be fine with it. I really am. But it has been a struggle.

Money never really meant much to me. I was always a hippie about it saying, “Money has no meaning unless you give it meaning,” or “Love is all you need.” I miss my hippie self because now I’ve been saying things like:

“You’re in debt Danielle, and interest is destroying you and your business.”

“Ok, yes, you can pay off the debt. You got two jobs, but what about after the debt? It’s not like you have any money left over from Kickstarter. You’ll just go into debt again.”

“How are you going to sustain your business when you don’t have any money to put out a second product?”

“How are you going to sustain your business when all your time is being sucked up by the two jobs you have?!”

“You’re stupid for putting the second half of your business onto a credit card. Only dum dum’s do that.”

Then I compare myself to all the boss ladies out there making a killing after being launched for one year, and then I go cry in the shower. Cue the sad violin!

It is hard. Starting a business isn’t all money and success and amazing vegan leather heels, like these ones.

I have to remember that no matter how successful someone appears to be, there was and probably still is a lot of sad violins cueing in the background.

I’m 26 years old. Five years ago, I thought by now I’d have my shit together. But I am still in survival mode. I go back and forth being in abundance vs poverty thinking.

The thing is, I ran out of money for ACE last August. Everything since then has been put on a credit card. I picked up a second job to help pay off the debt. And so far, everything has been fine. I launched The Daniel on Kickstarter, which was successful. I am able to go into my first production run. I pay all my bills without having to scramble for money. I can still a night out with friends. I can save money for travel or have an emergency fund. I have money to pay OFF my debt within the next 6 months.

So why am I so anxious about not having money, when I DO have money and when I DIDN’T have money- everything turned out okay?

Louise Hay (bless her) said, “You can never create prosperity by talking or thinking about your lack of money.” She believes gratitude thinking is what brings abundance.

I believe that too. But, easier said than done right?

We are all here doing the best we can. Those women I compare myself to are doing their best, and I applaud them. I’m proud of them. Inspired by them. I need to start seeing myself as one of those women.

I’ve lost trust in myself to do good. Life constantly puts good in front of my face and I’ve chosen to see the bad or the lacking. My friends and family who show me love every day. I work on a business that is being built from the heart. I eat healthy foods and have the time to cook myself a loving meal. I am surrounded by beautiful, bold, successful women that lift me up. I have a beautiful home that I share with my amazing partner. I live in a place where opportunity is all around me.

Starting a business might not be all dolla billz and vegan leather heels. But it’s about waking up, doing the work (probably in your pj’s on a couch like i’m doing right now), and putting all your heart into it.

I have the track record for it. 😉 Sometimes, I need a little reminder from myself that no matter what my bank account looks like, my life and business look way better.

That is all that matters.

***Dear Diary is my little way of creating an honest, brave, vulnerable way to vent and share what’s in my heart with you. It’s more for me than you – but I do hope it helps you feel less alone in whatever it is that you’re going through in this beautiful, messed up world.

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